C'est Moi!

02:34 pm

Your Dominant Intelligence is Spatial Intelligence

You've got a good sense of space and how the world around you looks. You can close your eyes and "see" images. You have innate artistic talent. An eye for color and shapes, you're also a natural designer. Since you think in pictures, visual aids and demonstartions help you learn best. You would make a good navigator, sculptor, visual artist, inventor, architect, interior designer, or engineer.

02:29 pm - "she's goonnone, ten-thousand millleeesss..."

Home again. I am exhausted. Going on two and a half or three hours of sleep... partially due to the fact that I was scrambling to finish a paper AND pack two suitcases worth of goodies (when I say "goodies," i mean clothes and, of course, the paisley galoshes). So, it's around 3:30 AM, I am finally crawling under my wonderful magenta striped covers, and I hear yelling coming from outside of our building. I look across the street, and see two large groups of people, all of which are beating the living shit out of eachother. At first, I was just annoyed that people were running through the street and pushing other people into oncoming taxis at 4 in the morning, but then I just ended up feeling disturbed. Finally, the cops came and broke whatever it was up, and I feel asleep at about 5 AM. Jolly.
Ashley and I sat outside last night, while I had a cigarette (I know, I'm a terrible person), and decided that we would say "Happy Holidays" to every single person who walked past, just beecause we were both feeling in the "Chrismakah" spirit after watching The OC. Initially we watched that fucking show to feel better about ourselves and relationships, because there is NO way our lives (and our lives with other people) could be half as fucked up as the people on that show. It turned out, our lives had a lot in common with the people on The OC. Drama drama drama. I just keep telling myself, "It's all going to work out like it should. People write songs about these sorts of things. Therefore, you can't be the only one." That has become my mantra. So, yeah, my eyes may be itchy and I may have shadows under both eyes, but, for one reason or another, I feel pretty refreshed. Relieved... or atleast something along those lines. I'm just glad to be home.
My friend read my palm the other day for me, and everythign she picked up was weirdly accurate... but the strangest thing she said (and the truest), was, "You lead a life independent of your family. In coming to NY, you have started a life separate from the one you have at home." Hmmmmmm...
So, Dave and I went for coffee yesterday before I left so we could hang out, say "goodbye," whatever. He wants to visit over break, but I shall NOT let that happen. Just a flat out bad idea. Not because I don't love him, but just because it may not be the best idea at this point. So, we wrote eachother letters, and promised not to read eachothers' letters until the days we were leaving for home. Of course, i read it before. And, he wrote some of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. And, it wasn't a love letter, it wasn't an obligatory letter... it was just a genuine letter. I read it to a close and trustworthy friend at school, and she decided that who cares if it's not about a relationship. There's a deep sense of caring and respect and admiration. And I agree with that. Sometimes, just sighing and feeling okay makes me feel pretty content. I love that feeling. I love my friends... and I love feeling anchored, even if it comes and goes in waves. And, I'm excited about the fashion show!! But, I have until april, and that's another story for another time.

Current Mood: content

04:02 pm - the most irresponsible student... ever

So, everything was/still is going incredibly well, but I was out late last night, had a sleepover party with Dave, and didn't wake up until very late. I decided at the beginning of our semester project for my Museums and Reps. class that it would be pretty cool if I decided to be one of the "group leaders" for our exhibition. And, everythign was going fine, until I realized how time consuming it is. So, basically, slept in today, didn't show up for this huge meeting at my friend's dorm at Union Sq (only one other person showed up, so I guess it could be much worse), and got emails saying things like, "Where are you?" or, "We've been workign on this project for three hours?!?" So, I felt awful, got a hold of the RESPONSIBLE person in our group, and explained. And, I hate having people pissed at me. Whoop dee doo.

On a happier note... our show opened last night at The Actor's Studio... almost completely sold out for every night, thank you very much! And, although I look like I'm wearing a bed sheet/maternity dress, the lovely Lena and I loaded on the makeup and bronzer, curled le hair, et voila. Wonderfullness. Went out to dinner at this weird "zen" restaraunt with Ashley and her boyfriend, met up with LJ, Travis and Lauren (also part of the play).... in a semi-stoned haze got maragaritas, and had fun fun fun. But, I've decided I hate any drink where I can actually taste the majority of the alchohol. Then again, the drinks where you can't taste the alcohol at all, are quite dangerous. My dad and charlotte are coming in to see the show tonight, which is exciting. Even though I think it makes little sense to anyone who watches it and hasn't been at rehearsals for the past few months. We'll see.

Boys are good. I guess. Possibilities... and Dave? Good friends. I think. I don't know. We don't do anything friends wouldn't do. And spooning is fine. NOthign else. We were walkign part of the way home one day around 10 PM-ish, and we hugged goodbye, and I looked up and this was this half way, semi awkward, possible rejection kiss, followed by him say "no no no" and me saying "shit. fuck. sorry" and us walking away from eachother, and him looking at me, saying "What are we doing?" Good question. At least I don't have the extra weight of the stupid "friends with benefits" shit. Very high school, and also very confusing, if you let it. That's way I still think that it's nice that we're just good friends, without any extra confusing baggage. He called me after teh show asking if I wanted to go get some beers with "the guys." He also pulled me into the men's bathroom at the Actor's Studio, asking me to do his hair. ANd Lena (oh dear oh dear) decided it would be a good idea to tell Dave about a guy who is at The Actor's Studio that asked for my number. Dave then made this thing liek he was punching his hand, and shook his head. Then sat by me backstage, and we ended up holding hands. Okay, this it too much to write. It's actually pretty gross that I'm tryign to work out a relationship by typing this all out. Like that's going to do anything. But, I don't think I'm the "guys' girl" in this situation either. Just Silly Sam (according to Dave).

Hmmm... is this one of those situations where you let time take control and see where things go from there?

Current Mood: cheerful

02:15 pm - "I'm getting older and I need something to rely on..."

So, I'm going from one home and coming back to the other, in NY. The transition to living in NY was not an easy one, but atleast everyone I'm with is in the same situation. Going home was the strangest experience of my life... and it seems like there are so many people here who have the ability to go home every so often, because they live closer than, say, Chicago. So, Thanksgiving wasn't really a big deal for most people here, but it was a huge deal for me. I've changed so much in the past few months living here, and I went home and nothing really changed at all. Everythign still seemed to look the same... I mean, I actually saw grass and trees not surrounded by concrete, but that was there when I left for school. My dad and Charlotte are still EXACTLY the same, which was actually almost scary. I forgot how much my step mom annoyed me while I was still living at home, how semi-fake she was and how she always sugar-coated things. Agh. And, I've never seen my dad so stressed out. Actually, I have, but now he just seems like he has all this pent up aggression towards everything, towards the situation he's in with my little step-brothers (who are incredibly angry and depressed, more so now than before)... Tyler even says, "The world is against me." How many 9-year old kids can you say feel that way? We never were growing up, but, then again, we weren't in the same situation. I almost forgot why I was so ready to leave and come to NY before I went home. Now, I'm glad I'm here. I love my family, regardless of some incredible shit they have gotten themselves into, some by choice, some not so much, but I even told my mom while she was complaining to me about my dad basically being an inadequate father, that I love them, but I've kind of started my own life now, and that, just because I'm technically an adult, doesn't mean I can assume the role of the "therapist." but, I said it in a much more sensitive way. The second day I was at home, my mom and I went out for coffee, and i asked her how things were with her and john, her husband, adn she just shrugged and said, "okay." The conversation basically lead to her telling me that he'll be moving out within the next few weeks. He was such an asshole to begin with (and mentally unstable... and took every feeling of anger on my mom... and everyone else within a ten foot radius of him), but I was still sad, for some really fucked up, weird reason. I felt that warmness you get behind your eyes and that lump in your throat before you cry, because i was thinking. About everyone but myself. I was thinking about if my mom will ever find someone, if not a husband, just someone who loves her and cares about her and her kids, and isn't angry all the time... and I thought about Em and Jake, who really don't have a great model for a healthy relationship. They see through a lot of crap that Charlotte adn my dad "put on," and although they are incredibly kind people, who I believe are generally happy in their marriage, it still seems like too much. Too overwhelmingly happy. And, I don't think they remember enough of the good things between my mom and dad, and my mom's relationships pre-john were not great, and did not last long either. But, maybe they'll see that my mom pulled out of a really bad situation/relationship and learn from the strength and sensitivity that it takes to do that. God, there's waaayyy too much on my mind right now, but I don't feel as stressed as I would if I were at home. It was nice coming back on Sunday... ran into a bunch of friends coming back, I got back way tooo early (noon), went out to dinner with a couple people, hung out with Vince later on... smoking more cigarettes than I should, drinking tea, talking... and rehearsals start to get intense tonight!! (everyday till like 10 PM, argghhhh)

Current Mood: exhausted

08:01 pm - what a weekend...

This weekend was nuts, and I did not get to bed before 5 AM on any given night. Wonderful. But, for some strange reason, I feel pretty rested today, but I have def. been slacking off on not doing readings, which no one at Lang ever seems to do. So, I guess we're all in the same boat. Hung out with Dave on Thursday, got lost on teh way to a Harlem party on friday, and ended up near the projects, AND we almost got hit by an oncoming car. Yay! Then met Gabby with LJ and Anna for sangrias, ended up drinking two, went to a bar adn then Lotus. Usually, I'm not a big fan of teh club scene, but somehow we ended up in a limo with beer and drinks, and danced in teh DJ's booth at Lotus. That was nuts. But, it was mostly Bridge and Tunnel because it was a Saturday, so we were surrounded by sleazy jersey guys and girls with way to much mousse in their hair and cheap clothes. BUt it was fun, nonetheless. Went on a so-so date/let's hang out with a jazz student who plays the bass. Nice guy, kind of a stoner, but that's okay. Free pizza and pretty good conversations about living in New York City and going home for the first time. I'll be home the day after tomorrow! THAT is going to be an experience.

Current Mood: calm

06:23 pm - In your eyes...

I was supposed to meet a couple friends at a sushi rest. on sixth ave. but, for some reason, i started walking towards ave. A in the completely wrong direction. Why am I such a fucking ditz?? So, I realized I was running late, called and cancelled, grabbed a slice of pizza and realized I only have about ten min. until I have to leave for rehearsal. Today, my acting teacher/play director yelled at me because I was talking in class. Then again, so was everyone else. I still felt bad, and I really hate when people of authority yell, especially when the yelling is directed at me. It just feels... awful. This weekend is going to be lots of fun, lots of cool plans in the making. Lame and uneventful weeekends suck. A lot.
I get to do my scene FOR THE LAST TIME on tuesday, the day before we get out for Thanksgiving break. Yay! I am getting tres tres sick of doing that freakin scene, it's driving me nuts. But, the whole scene-work thing seemed a little pointless. I mean, it was pretty anti-climactic. What did I learn from it? I dunno, some stuff. Zishan is just odd. Smart, funny, but odd.
Rose and I decided we have to stretch before doing the butt dancing thing today, my legs were killing me after rehearsal. Time to get ready to drop it like it's hot, motha fuckas!!

Current Mood: amused

12:27 am - I know New York, I need New York, I know I need unique New York

Carolyn came last weekend, could not have had a better time with one of my closest friendsss. And, I bought galoshes. Blue, with a magenta rim and magenta and orange paisley print. Sounds ugly, looks cool. I've also heard "interesting." But I like them.
I've heard so many times that boys are not worth crying over, and they're usually not (note: the word "usually"). I just have a lot to get over and a lot to realize. And, usually when girls cry over guys, it's because the guys are a) temporary asses or b) the situation is out of their (the girls') control. Sometimes, if you're really lucky, it's both. Usually a girl cries because it's not her fault, and she doesn't know what to do, and that's scary. I sound like a child-therapist. Ughhh.
Sunday night was a let's get tipsy-fest in 4B, had a cigarette while playing therapist/matchmaker... and I woke up at 8 AM to write my paper, which was due the day that I wrote it. Whoop dee dooo for me. Then, rehearsal, where our director commanded us to do the "butt" dance with guys we were assigned to. Had a good lunch/dinner of burritos with good people, talked to my "therapist" (who lives below me), cried a little, felt a little better, and then promised I would set him up with a nice girl. I refused to make a lot of eye contact with the therapist, primarly because when he said something along the lines of, "I think I'll find someone eventually," he was looking right at me, in that... way. But, I wouldn't completely know, because I was pretending to play with my ring. I do that a lot when I'm bored, or when I just need it to look like I'm doing something of substance. I've also attempted to master the art of rolling my own cigarettes, and Ashley and I went on the moon deck to talk earlier. I light one up, planning on it being just like a normal cig, and I lit the fucking thing on fire. That was pretty hilarious, and typical of me, all at the same time. Whoaaaaa.

Current Mood: IIIII'm pensive

01:10 am - Tomorrow's Thursday!!

Carolyn!! this entry is for you... I'm sooo excited to see you tomorrow! I hope you get this!!! Mwahhh!!! <3

Current Mood: cheerful

06:44 pm - Saturdays...

I had more fun on Saturday day than I have in a really really long time. Went with Dave to the Met. and made silly, "intellectual" poses while we looked at modern art, and then walked around the park and collected leaves and ended up throwing most of them at eachother. Then, we layed on the grass and looked up at the clouds and talked more... I felt like a little kid, but it was nice. I needed a break from school and all the east village drama. Then we got coffee at an upper west side diner that was filled with old people (kind of like the Lang cafeteria...??) and went back to his place and had pizza and cheap red wine and slow danced to Ella Fitzgerald. Slow dancing with someone who is a friend can lead to sexual tension. Why didn't I realize this beforehand...? We have good friendship chemistry and are pretty carefree when it comes to a lot of things... and knowing things are going way less than ok with his girlfriend (who I have heard from unnamed sources is not the nicest person in the world) makes me wonder. He wants to "let things run their course" with her, yada yada yada. And, he's pretty sarcastic when he says how "well" things are going on that side of things... then I get to tell him he's full of shit and he agrees. Why do we make things sooo complicated? It can't just be blamed on human nature.
Hmm, what else. One of our roommates is actually psycho... Ashley and I were hiding in our bathroom at 3 in the morning and called Rose adn ran all the way back to stay at union sq. for the night. That was fun, and I got to run with one shoe on, while carrying the other. We probably looked obscenely drunk or just nuts.
Went out to dinner with my dad, his client, and his client's son who wants to go to college in the city. He was so innocent, and tried so hard to be professional it was almost endearing. And I got to eat good food. Watched Big Fish with Ben and a couple of his roommates and Ashley.
Rehearsal tonight, hanging out with Dave tomorrow... lots to look foward to, except those fucking readings for my Museums class. Blah.

Current Mood: calm

08:44 pm - <3

I think I drink more orangina than water. The store next to our dorm sells it in huge bottles. It's addicting. And yummy.
There's this really obnoxoius guy sitting and talking with some of us in our dorm. He talks too fast. We just did shots. Vodka is gross. Egh.
Going to The Met. with David tomorrow... the boy who broke my heart... it was strange. After class on Tuesday, we sat on the mushroom bench and he told me about everything, and that things are not going well with "Lindsay Lohann." He's been asking others about "how I'm doing..." god there's so much to write about this issue. There always is. But, I'm too lazy to write it all down here. I've repeated it too many times. He told me to set aside "tomorrow day and night-ish" for him. We're going to Times Sq. and are going to look at all teh pretty neon lights, and drink hot chocolate, and maybe make dinner at his apartment. I really do want to see him, though. I hurt less looking at him now, but I just kind of... i don't know, yearn for something. Shit, I sound like a depressed poet. I don't want to be his therapist or someone he can vent to about girl problems, but I told him that I was here for him if he ever did neeed to talk, or if he ever needed advice. So, I am a therapist. More of a friend. He told me he missed me, and at first he thought that it was because we didn't hang out and talk as much as friends, but then he realized he actually missed me. Fuckity fuck fuck. I laughed at myself for the first time the other day, but it was while I was on a date with a guy who I had no interest in. I just realized how absurd everythign can be, how silly and trivial everything is at times. So I just laughed. And it felt really fucking good. But, I ended up at his apartment... that was a mistake. I think I gave him the wrong idea. I told David a little about it. But, I don't want him to think I'm trying to "win" him back. His L. Lohann treated this like a game, and it's not. This isn't high school. But it's hard not to feel something when he hugs me in a really close way, or the way we look at eachother. Ashley told me we're both acting, adn we both know we're acting. That's the sad part. We both pretend to be buddies, and we both hold back teh same things we both know we want to say to eachother. What a weird situation.
Going to see Pedro the Lion at the Bowery Ballroom on Wensday... that's also something to look foward to. Going to see Alfie with a friend in...five minutes. Fuck I have to get ready to see Jude Law in all his beauty. He's yummier than Orangina, and it's hard to top that.

Current Mood: cynical

06:01 pm - HOLY FUCKING SHIT

What has happened to our country? What IS happening to our country? Bush has officially been elected.. and I refuse to say "re-elected" because it is obvious that he was not elected in 2000. I have no idea what to do. My Museums and Reps. class and I went to Union Sq. to sit and talk after seeing an exhibit at Parsons, called "The Voting Booth Project." People were just starting to organize for the protest tonight, but it technically started at three. I heard only five people showed up initially... everyone was probably watching CNN. I was up until about 2AM in hannah's room last night; we were all glued to the television, but I honestly could not take it anymore. And to think that I actually thought Kerry had a decent shot at winning this election. Some of us were sitting and having lunch in the Lang cafeteria, when LJ came over and said Kerry had conceded... my spelling and fucking grammar is probably totally off, I can't write and feel this awful at the same time. Ashley emailed her teacher and said she couldn't write her paper (which is due tomorrow) because of the obvious circumstances. I still have to finish memorizing my lines. Dah dah dah dahhhh. School and everything seems so trivial right now. It's hard to focus, and we did abs. nothing in our classes today, except talk about how fucked we feel, and what could happen within the next four years under Bush and Cheney. Saying goodbye to women's rights, for one thing, will not be an easy process. But, I know that's just the beginning. This whole process is just becoming increasingly hard to swallow. People are yelling and screaming over at Union Sq. right now, the police are starting to line up. I think I'll go over a little later with others. I couldn't watch Bush's acceptance speech, and I actually teared up while watching Kerry's. I wanted to yell at him. Actually, I just want to yell, at no one in particular. This is just upsetting, no other way to put it. And scary. Atleast when we protested during the RNC, there was some hope that standing up could make a difference, but now that Bush has been re-elected, it seems he can basically do whatever the fuck he wants, because he can't get elected for a third term. I have a feeling New York City won't be very happy tonight. It was silent last night, now it's going to go into total chaos. My dad's meeting me for coffee tomorrow, and I have a feeling he's going to want me to come home as soon as possible. I know I will not go home, but Ashley and I are looking into moving to a country that isn't falling apart... I just need to be in a place where I think I can make an immediate difference. Taking advantage of our "freedom of speech" doesn't seem to be doing a ton of good anymore... I don't know if I can use the words "freedom" and "America" in the same sentence anymore. They contradict eachother. I had an idea during my Museums and Reps. class for our semester project, since our teacher thinks it should now be focused on the election process, etc. (basically more political) So some of us are putting together an exhibition entitled, "How do you mourn the death of a country?" Right now, we think it is going to be a mock-funeral. Good art stems out of shitty circumstances.

Current Mood: angry

11:05 pm - red lipstick

Too much sticky gloss, red lipstick and cigarettes on Halloween. Good times. I ended up finding an abnormally tacky red dress, and became a coked out (thank you for Bisquick), ex-starlette, but I ended up wearing jeans under the dress because my legs got cold, and it sort of rained on Saturday night. But, the party turned out to be a lot of fun, even though we all kind of stayed together, considering the fact that nobody knew anyone else, but I ran into Esther and Anna and some others from the play, which was good. I did meet... someone.... he was dressed up in girl overalls and a plaid shirt (southern trash, not very original, but that's okay, neither was I). We ended up talking during the entire duration of the party about almost everything, and he came back to Union Sq. with the rest of us. We all got pizza, and I'm still not sure if I was the only sober one, or the only one sobering up, in the group. I don't remember the entire night, because I am pretty tired. We talked non-stop and decided we were dehydrated, and ended up going on adventures and stared out of windows, and looked into other peoples' windows, and talked even more until about 3:30 in the morning, so I walked him back to the Union Sq. station on the way back to my dorm. He did ask for my number earlier that night, and ended up leaning in to kiss me, but I had this thought: I had been repeatedly making the mistake of rushing things so much in the past, and maybe that was why I sometimes would find myself to be "screwed over" or confused in the end. So, I pulled away, not violently though, and said it would probably mean more if we waited...? NOt intended to sound prude-ish at all, but I just don't want to keep making the same mistakes over and over again of feeling the need to move things too fast, and worrying what would happen if I didn't. And, I can always keep telling myself I'll "learn," but, that doesn't make much of a difference until I actually act on what I think I need to learn from. I then felt the need to clarify that it wasn't because I wasn't interested, or because I didn't like him, but I'm guessing he understood. You don't need to demonstrate that you like someone through something like kissing, etc., especially on the first night of meeting that person. There are other ways, just less obvious, more subtle choices, I guess. He asked how soon should he call, and I said whenever he would like to. What a weird night. What a weird fucking weekend.
Tonight, went to the parade with some Loeb and NYU people, and came back and am working on homework. Yeah, lame. But, it's shit that needs to be done. What can ya do. I dressed up as a 50's badass school girl, the one who would go into the bathroom stalls to smoke cigarettes. Then, someone told me I looked like the girl from West Side Story. Damn olive skin...
Went to Gabby's party and concert on Friday, the party was amazing, in her dad's penthouse. We drank nice wine and smoked cigarettes and had fun being classy in the rooftop garden. Until David tried to be a dick again, which he seems to be very good at, calling and saying he was getting offers of cheap drunken sex from girls with well endowed girls, Not a classy guy. Particularly considering the fact that he is with Lindsay Lohann again. LJ decided we were going to do shots together, so I drank what turned out to be way more (or atleast it tasted like more) than one shot of Jose Cuervo. Then I went from a mellow wine feeling, to flat out drunk. Good chocolate cake, too.
I'm kind of sad I didn't get to talk to Alex (from home) this weekend. It's nice to be able to talk to someone you have that much history with. He understands me way more than I'd like him to sometimes, and that scares me. He knows things that I hardly even know.
Only about a month until Thanksgiving break, a little less actually. I need some time to see trees, and sit on some grass that is not littered with beer cans and used condoms so that I can actually think. I tried to do that while sitting in Union Sq. the other day, and it only lasted about 15 min. until someone came up and tried to talk to me. And, I wanted to just be. By myself, I mean. I'm not homesick by any means, I just need to see people who know me, I need some good hugs. I wonder what it will feel like to sleep in my old bed.

Current Mood: confused

05:50 pm - the blue nose stud

According to ashley, my old piercing stud looked a freckle. So, we got a bright blue one... so it's a brighter freckle.
Caitlin and Carolyn, I miss you! I can't wait to see you guys, you have no idea!!
So, last night... drinks and a weird movie in Ryan's room (a friend of ashley's) and I passed out at 2. Which is early, but i was exhausted. Theater class was really good today, and at registration Zishan pulled me aside and said I did a wonderful job, which she doesn't do for everyone. So, for that, I felt good.
I hate having stupid crushes on people and saying things that end up sounding a little too awkward for their own good. Sometimes, I tell myself to just shut my mouth, but I get airy and ditzy and I don't think. Sometimes I think too much, sometimes I don't think at all. I need to find a happy medium.
Tonight, meeting Gabby for a drink (hopefully with others) and then seeing her friend play at CBGBs... should be fun. She says she's going to help me find ways for David to fall in love with me (I don't remember if I already wrote this... oh well), but that might just be a bad idea. In my scene with Leemore, I have to say that I am currently "in love with this guy named david." When we did our read through for the class, everyone gasped, laughed and looked over at him. I think he felt pretty uncomfortable just because of the fact that people knew. Hmm. And then he called me around 1:30 or something today "Just to say 'hi.' " Which I didn't expect, but actually really apperciated, even though I was going to see him at class in less than half an hour. Sometimes I wish he just didn't want to be friends at all, because, I'm learning, there's a difference between being "friends" with a guy," or being "just friends." But, I can tell he's still there. Yeah. That's okay then. And, I'm better than okay right, now just kind of drowsy and restless.
I have another open call tomorrow. The other one went well yesterday... there were about fifteen girls (not counting stage moms... oh god), and he narrowed it down to two (another girl and I) which was totally not expected, because it was my first call in NYC. The agent came out (kind of an asshole, but what do you expect) and started sorting our headshots into piles, and then I saw him put mine off to the side, along with one other girl's. He started calling names and asking girls to leave, handing them back their information, etc. Then there was only me and another girl left in the room, and my mind started racing, but I tried to say calm. He called me up and looked me up and down, and it could have been one of the most surreal experiences, and I didn't enjoy it. I felt like some object or product he was trying to figure out if he could sell or not. It was pretty sad, almost degrading. He asked me my height, and I was "half an inch too short." If it weren't for that, I would have been even closer. He said the same to the other girl. We were "close." What a flakey business. And, I'm back tomorrow doing more of these, and my friend is setting up another audition thing for me with some agency uptown.. but this networking is hard hard hard. And auditions and calls for acting or anything else (modeling, ugh, etc.) are not easy things to go through, they can really screw with your head. So, I need to remain level headed and stress free. Not let my happiness depend on compliments from directors or agents, or whatever. Because I've seen what happens when things go to peoples' heads, and it's not pretty.

07:29 pm - On a happier note...

Okay, the previous entry sounded totally sad and shitty, so, here is a redeeming entry. Okay....
Thank the world for awesome people. Thank the world for New York City. I can't see myself anywhere else, and I was worried when I first got here that I would be homesick and not like living in teh city as much as I liked visiting it. but I LOVE it with a captial L. So what if things don't always turn out as expected. Most things usually don't, and that's what keeps me in check. Just when things are going steadily or "normally" (whatever that means), BLAM! Something pops out, and you either laugh, or you cry, or you just jump up and dance, which I do a lot. I sing a lot publicly too, and I don't get too many weird looks. Singing is fun when you're walking down the street. I was singing Wilco today, and found that my favorite line still is, "I am trying to break your heart..." who doesn't love that line. But, when something goes BLAM, you can't just sit there. Because, that would be a total waste of time, and who wants to waste time, right? I feel like someone should respond to that question, and say something like, "Sam, I agree!" or "Sam, shut the fuck up." But, this is an entry, so I guess no one will. But I do like when people leave comments *hint hint*. I went costume shopping tonight with Hannah and Naiomi... we still haven't found a white garter for hannah, but I did find a clear nose gauge for my audition tomorrow, thank you laawwwddd. That sounds like something Queen Latifah would say, because she got soo much sass. Damn girl. haha.
That, and I get crushes on people way too easily, but I won't go into that here.
Now, it's time to to write a paper on The Museum and Sex. And laundary. Also, going to the garment district soooon to get fabric for her possibly, and green fabric so i can make my tinkerbell skirt for Halloween. yes, I, like ever other girl on Halloween, likees to dress up and be a little overly sexy... and, I won't say slutty, because I am not going to be Snow White the Slut or any of that. Just... scantily clad? I don't know. Lots of glitter and green. Fun fun.

06:10 pm - tortellini in a bowl...

Wow, I think one of my roomies is throwing up in the bathroom. I'm going to check and make sure she's ok. It's weird, she goes into the bathroom A LOT and stays in there for pretty significant amounts of time. It's a little bizarre.... I hate that bathroom though. There's absolutely no vents, so all the moisture basically sticks to everything it shouldn't. And it smells pretty asserific. But, that's beside the point.
I got pretty drunk last night night with awesome people (sean, rose, keith, ashley, and others...). Good talks, and fighting thugs. Maybe I should carry a hammer around with me more often, and just pull it out on anyone who tries to talk to me. Or pepper spray. That might give people the wrong idea... My step mom wanted me to bring a pepper spray key chain thingy, but I turned down her offer. She's incredibly paranoid, and I always found the suburbs to be far scarier than the city, so that explains that. I'm just really stubborn. And, I trust people too much, or I don't trust them enough. Either way, it has the potential to screw me over.
I swear this entry will not sound emo. Maybe it will. Fuck it. I'm really not that sad, but Zishan (acting teacher) had Dave and I do these scene exercises togehter... the same dialogue used in three different scenarios. One: Dave and I are teens who like eachother (ironic, two: father-daughter dispute, daughter is in love and gets home past curfew, and three: fight between couples, involving being sad and tension (even more ironic). Gabby came up to me after class and said, "Wow, you two were really good! You could cut that tension with a knife..." Yeah, Method acting works. It's sad that some of the crush feelings and tension that occured wasn't really acting at all. It was real. And that made me sad again, and I really just want to forget about this whole thing. Because, it's not worth it. But Gabby (and all the wonderful people in NY that I looovvee) is trying to get me out and not necessarily meet people, but just to get my mind off of things. So, we're going to CBGB's on Thursday to see her friend do some solo acoutic show, which I'm really excited about. And, Ashely wants me to meet her friend from NYU, and this is all becoming too much. I don't know what I want, and Gabby says she's going to figure out how to get Dave to fall in love with me, which is stupid, silly idea. You can't try to get people to feel certain things, particularly about certain people. We're friends. That's it. But, I looked in the mirror yesterday and just started crying. And, then last night made me happy again. And so did talking to Ashley on numerous occasions. It's nice when someone like that just gets you. There's no other way to put it. So, it all evens out.
I'm going to an open call tomorrow, so I have to figure out how to take out this awful nose stud. Be ready for the pain. I'm really excited, and nervous. I have no idea what to expect. And, I'm missing a class for this audition thing. My mom won't be happy. I'm thihnking it might only get harder to balance auditions and school.
I have a date Thursday afternoon with a guy who goes to FIT, named Mason. We met a little while ago. I don't know if I'll be able to handle it, but it could be fun. It's just coffee, but there's no way I'm jumping into anything again for a while. I need to cool down and be on my own... but he could be just a really nice friend. That sounds gtotally naive. I say really naively (s/p?) optimistic things a lot. I just don't want to have to explain the situation in great detail. No need to, though.

"All I want is this...somebody, please love me..." (Beausia)

02:37 am - Wow, I haven't updated in a loooonnnngg time...

Whoa, it's been about a month! Way too much has happened, and this city has the tendency to drive you nuts if you don't pay attention. I'm loving my acting class, and the people (most of them) in it... but I hate hearing people gossip. It just bothers me, and I am trying soo hard not to just succumb. I'm also trying hard not to spend too much money, but yeah. That's a story for another time.
I got into the play, which has been insanely odd, considering the fact that our director (as amazing as she is) is a woman who is absolutely OBSESSED WITH SEX. Everything involves sex, or some form of sexual tension. And, it's a learning experience. A messy one. A worthwhile one. Okay, yeah, I'm learning a lot. I hope not in the sense that I'm slowly being corrupted.
I got my nose pierced (ok, just sidenote: I feel like this entire entry is going to be like talking to a person who I haven't seen in a while). I went with friends, and friends of friends who know the owner who gave me a ten dollar discount! I couldn't really say no, especially since I promised one of my friends that I would do it if she did. And, of course, I made her go first. I recently tried to replace the stud-thingy (ruby red-colored, by the way) with a ring, but I found myself in pain (think: getting punch in the nose by a person twice my size), and the ring ended up dropping into a garbage can. Hmm, maybe it's a sign... if those even exist. I don't know. Who knows.
And, somehow, I got a job with the most flexible hours ever, but it's more just like a thing I do on the side... and it's more dignified than other jobs where girls take off their clothes. I'm being paid fifteen dollars an hour to pose for an art class (it is, thankfully, accredited, and non-sketchy). Why not. It'll be an exxperience, and will give me enough money for groceries to last me a week, or two. Or, I could buy a sweater, because it's cooollddd! Or 40 bagels with cream cheese from a deli. (or not) Ahh, the possibilites.
I just finished hanging out at a friend's dorm and watching bad movies and eating coookie dough. I smoked a cigarette on the way home, and i really really am going to stop. Just give the pack a bought from one friend to another friend, so the temptation won't even be there. I have a plan.
Possible dance party tomorrow night....
God, I miss my home. Going out all the time (which I still usually do) used to do a pretty good job at keeping me distracted, but sometimes you can't help but feel even a little homesick. And, one of my favorite cats is getting put to sleep tomorrow :( Shit. Now I really want to go home. But, maybe not necessarily home itself, because I love NY and I love everythign about it, the people, etc. But, something just doesn't feel like it's hooked in right. NOthing inside me is missing, it's just a little... out of place? I like the "hooked in right" description better. It makes more sense, without me sounding like a sad l'il girl. I've been writing A LOT. That's the best form of therapy, and I've heard that soo many times that I just wanted to throw something at the person who said it. But, it's better than smoking cigs, and I just feel BETTER after I write. Livejournals, unfortunately, don't always count. Poetry usually does.
One of my friends thinks he has fleas. All the more reason why changing your sheets more than once a month is pretty important. That, and not letting people you don't know very well sleep in your bed. Especially if they don't enjoy showering on a regular basis.
Well, I need sleep. My friend a few floors up is helping me take some photographs, so I can get this modeling/acting thing rolling. Taking advantage of things outside of just college. And I need to buy galoshes, because when it rains in NY, it either lightly mists, or it freakin RAINS.
Also, going to see The Downtown Plays in about a week!!! Yay!

**Sam**

"I get all the news I need from the weather report..."

Current Mood: lazy

02:05 pm - today is monday (nuff said)

Okay, first off, I absolutely love Mira... great mellow music, if you ever need music to fill any form of silence, put it on. Just trust me.
I am going to start looking for jobs, and, if I don't get into the fall production (which hopefully won't happen *crosses fingers*), I can start working pretty soon. There are a couple places I have been checking out. A small French-style bakery/restaraunt needs a busboy (or bus girl, in my case). So, I can go and ask for an application after seeing the "HIRING" sign in the front window. The lady working behind the counter that day seemed perfectly nice, but she told me the job is definitely less than glamorous (well, obviously, if you're clearing dishes off of a table), the hours are not great, and, oh yeah! The pay is pretty bad, too. I mean, if they're trying to get people to work there, you'd think she'd make the job seem atleast a little more desireable. But, alas, I have not filled out the app. and will probably not end up trying to get a job there. There is a Mavi jeans store nearby... I have retail experience, which helps, the pay is pretty good, the hours are pretty flexible, and you get a free pair of jeans/bottoms once a week after working for three weeks. Considering those jeans cost atleast eighty dollars, a free pair every so often would take off some of the burden of having to afford certain clothes. Or, Au Bon Pain... free bagels and drinks... yumm. That could be dangerous.
Today was pretty uneventful, unfortunately, and I need something to do tonight! I'm sure something will come up. It usually does. My friend on a few floors above mine made THE BEST chocolate chip cookies last night... holy shit they tasted good. I haven't had junk food like that since I moved. So, for the pot luck this guy organizes for our dorm every Wensday night (cheesy, but fun), we are baking chocolate chip cookies, thank you very much. That is, if we don't eat them first. We'll see how that works.
Well, I have to run over to the book store to pick up a book for class... but, I am a tad lazy after sitting through a very loonngg discussion on the effectiveness of the modern vs. the traditional museum, and their effect on presenting cultures in an educational and visually appealing manner. Whoa, I could write a paper... or not.

**Sam**

12:51 pm - The Poetry reading and the club scene

Okay. First off, the poetry reading/open mic night was amazing. I mean that. It was just INCREDIBLE. Reading my poetry for an audience (most of whom I didn't know) was one of the most liberating things I've ever done... certainly one of the biggest risks I've taken since moving to New York. I went before my friend, and she was clearly more experienced with this whole "scene" than I was, but it was worth it. My neighbor buddy (same name guy) and some of his friends came. I was happy he did, because I know one of his friends was doing a concert somewhere in the city. But, he came anyway. Getting good vibes... maybe? And, some of my friends showed up later, which I was very very happy about. I read a shorter poem that I wrote about two months or so ago. And, as I got off the stage, the MC asked me if I wanted to read another, even though he said they don't usually ask people to read more than one on a given night. So, I read a longer one. And I got good feedback! Even one of neighbor-boy's friends was like, "That was really good, man." And, trust me, at my college, people don't tend to give compliments if they really don't mean them. Not to sound full of myself or anything. It's just something to be really excited about. So, I went home (to the dorm, I mean) and I wrote more.
Last night, a friend (Manhattan-native) from my acting advisory took me and a couple friends and B. to some fashion week parties in the city, to places I've only heard about on gross VH1 celebrity insider shows. It was freakin crazy. I got wayyy too drunk, but I knew my limits. One the room felt like it was starting to spin for about two seconds, I knew I was done for a while. So, I was primarly okay. I met this guy, who I have no interest in whatsoever, just someone I talked to when I was a little less than sober. We were outside having a couple of cigarettes, talking with others (models, furniture designers... god, I don't even know), and he said, "When you go back into that club, you're acting. That's how people do it here, you have to know how to play the game. You're a theater major, you know what I'm talking about." Now, bear in mind, this comment is coming from a guy wearing a leather jacket, with no shirt under it. One who claims to be a massage therapist AND an aspiring model. But, still. Something about what he said was not necessarily disturbing, but more eye-opening. I realized I was doing it, too. Not because I felt as if I had anything to prove to anyone there... I felt like we all fit in pretty well. The way we held our drinks and sat and talked and socialized with people we had just met, our gesutres... it all made sense. I wasn't being the girl everyone knows me as back home. I was being more of an exagerrated version of who I really am, I guess. As sad as that is, it was kind of like playing dress-up when I was little, the whole trying on of different costumes and personalities deal. It was fun to dance and have expensive drinks and talk with people you know you probably won't see again in a city as big as the one in which we live. We went to a couple clubs, and somehow I'm a little broke (I wonder why...), even without having to pay a cover charge, but it'll be okay. Mostly free drinks, getting in without paying OR waiting on line (this girl is connected with the entire CITY), not having to worry about IDs... it was pretty incredible, also considering it is fashion week and everything else. Shots, bacardi and coke, cosmos, screwdrivers, Corona w/ lime, cigarettes. Liquor and smoking honestly sound like a pretty disguisting combination right now. But, I'm pretty far from being hungover, thank god.
Well, now it's time for homework, even though it's Saturday. Homework on Sundays just sucks, no other way to put it. Better to get things out of the way early (before I get distracted). Some of us were going to go to a bar tonight. That sounds a little less fun right now. But, I may feel different in a few hours. Maybe I'll wait until next weekend, or ateast a few more days before I jump into "the scene" again. Watching some DVD's and eating Easy Mac with friends sounds like it could be a little more relaxing, atleast for tonight. It sounds more like what I think about when I hear the word, "college." Wow. What a life, huh. I feel a little drained.

Until later...
Sam***

"For my part, I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of stars makes me dream."
Van Gogh

11:57 pm - Some days...

Some days
I know

that

I'm

glowing


Want to walk into the street and sing along with your favorite song
A show-stopping dance number
Encore
Broadway
It's all here

The exclamation points do a lack of justice to anything written down
on the tattered napkin
Sitting in the plastic booth
Grimy diners
Making sugar lines on the table
Chipping away
at the
electric
blue
nail polish

Windows down
Car outside
Reggae music and the man with the keyboard
He sings about that beautiful girl
Who has an ass the size of J-Lo's
And a brain the size of our president's

Walking home with a sandwich
Crammed between two paper plates
As my bag slides of my shoulders
Wind
pushing
cigarette smoke
into
my
hair

Patiently

picking up pace

Patiently

loosing patience as my flip flops find themselves
stuck
in cracks

in crevices

in the pavement

Being okay with the
fact
that I am
okay
with the fact
that I am not always sure of myself
When stage lights get too bright
And director's comments begin to hit
deeper places
which are located
behind the places
that I

still

can't

yet

find

Wrapping myself in a blanket with

HOME

stitched across the patchwork


My mother's sleeve

Whistling radiators

Three-story apartments

Blue moving trucks

Dad making dinner and singing along with Joni Mitchell

Hopping the fence into the neighbor's backyard

Sitting on the concrete stoop with ice cream dripping, sticky remains
landing
between my toes


And

I want to fall into something greater

Without

actually

f
a
l
l
i
n
g


.

04:19 pm - Free food is good food

I think I'm managing to live off of free food pretty well, along with the groceries I bought about half a week ago. It's sad how I must go straight to the bargain deals... three cans of black beans for two dollars, two cucumbers for one dollar, and box of whole grain rice for a dollar-fifty... basically we just buy things that don't perish quickly, and things you can use in atleast a gazillion different dishes. Cigarettes (which I don't smoke often, but enjoy having a couple every once in a while) are tres tres expensive! Seven dollars a pack. I guess it's good that they're constantly raising the prices, but when you need to relax, and my Kuchika twig tea doesn't always do the trick, a pack of cigs is nice. I wish some things were free.
I had a really good sandwich today, in, surprisingly, the school cafeteria... hummos, turkey and tomato on a bun. Yummy. Hummos is my new best friend. Welll, actually, not really. Anyways, enough about food...
This awesome girl in my acting advisory, who's a Manhattan-native, is taking me and a couple of other girls to this upscale party for fashion week. Basically, it's going to be a ton of absolutely gorgeous models, guys and girls. Finally! A cool party that doesn't take place in a dorm, consisting of a bunch of people high and listening to Frank Zappa. Which is fun, don't get me wrong, but only for a designated amount of time. That's college, I suppose. I just went to a friend's room to borrow some clothes (I have a shortage of skirts). Exciting!!
Well, we're off to find more free food at this college extra-curricular fair (fun, I know I know), and then back to the dorm. Maybe work on some homework just to get it out of the way early on (sometime before Sunday night??), and then open-mic night.
Auditions for the fall production a week from Friday, and the 9-11 commemoration and interpretive performance is tomorrow. Lots to prepare for in a short amount of time.

Until later
Sammmmmm ****